THE EVOLUTION OF HORRID SMOOTH

My mind-fuck with EOS began a few years ago- in 2013 I think, which would mean London, but I can’t place the exact moment. All I know is that little colourful eggs popped up everywhere, and looked lovely, and I wanted them, but they were too expensive.

This continued for years.
I would see them every time I went shopping, which is a gazillion times a day, smooth and round and pretty, promising magical softness and smoothness. No other lip balm competed in sheer pretty looks, all are stupid tubes with fine print on them, none of them are round and pleasing and the colours!, like the EOS lip balm containers.

Last summer, before we travelled to Iran, I bought a leaf-shaped, mint-coloured tub of EOS hand-cream to take on the airplane. The Golden boy loved the smooth friendly plasticky-ness, and said it was his. He kept rubbing the cream on his hands and exclaiming how soft and smooth his hands were. It was lost after a few days at my parents’ place.

Just before Christmas 2015, I saw a pair of EOS on sale for 7.99 CAD. They were so pink! One dark pink, and the other a darker pink. I finally broke down, sacrificed my soul on the alter of consumerism, and spent some of my student funding to buy the pair. Raspberry and strawberry sorbet. I told the princess she could choose one, and she chose the lighter pink- no actually the darker pink one. We were both ecstatic over the marvellous pinky smoothness and roundness and used them frequently.

Until barely a week later, suddenly everywhere on the internet there was news about EOS being sued! Rashes! Mold! Lip allergies! crappy product! Picture of lips swollen and be-rashed! EOS hell demon devil rashes allergy satan EOS!

The princess said she would never use hers again. But I, I who had spent my money on them! Who had lusted for them for so many years! I said I would. The princess screamed not to, but I said I hadn’t had any rashes so far, and I wasn’t going to stop using them just because a bunch of people on internet had some sort of reaction to it. So I took hers as well, now I have two EOSes rolling around on my dresser- dark pink and darker pink. I apply them before bed, and inhale the sweet strawberry raspberry scent. I wake up with soft lips. The picture of the lips with rashes is nailed firmly to the front of my mind. My lips feel dry.

Last night I bought a pair of Blistex medicated lip balms with spf and pink packaging for 3.79. The tubes are pink, and there are words naming the chemicals printed on black on the pink paper covering the pink tubes.

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