After Miley was extra-special gross and disgusting on MTV last year, suddenly everyone was told to stop looking at her, and look over here, at Lorde instead.
Lorde has long dark curly natural hair. Miley has short flashy dyed blonde hair.
Lorde doen’t wear a lot of make-up. Miley does.
Lorde has a husky low voice and sings what we are told are thoughtful intelligent lyrics about how bad consumerism is. Miley has a high un-husky voice and sings about sex and whatever she likes.
Lorde doesn’t twist and squirm about, Miley does. Lorde doesn’t wear revealing clothes, Miley does.
Lorde has an Asian boyfriend and the mean nasty racist trolls on the internet call her nasty things because she has an Asian boyfriend and so she is cool. Nobody has seen him, by the way, but we all know he is Asian and steady and cool. Miley was last engaged to a film star, and now she does terrible things like grinding against a married man and black women and teddy bears.
Lorde stays perfectly still and stares mysteriously into the camera while singing her what we are told are in fact very intelligent lyrics against consumerism- indeed you would think Noam Chomsky or Naomi Klein penned those lyrics, because they are so intelligent and anti-consumerist. Miley swings about on a wrecking ball and licks it, because she is disgusting and weird.
Lorde is weird in a normal way, like all high-schoolers like to think they are weird, but Miley is weird in a really gross way.
Lorde and Miley’s fans on twitter fight each other.
The radio plays Lorde’s song 50,0000000 times a day, because she is so good and talented and intelligent and anti-consumerist, and because she is so good and her songs are so good too. Sometimes they play Miley’s songs too.
Miley comes from a rich showbiz family. Lorde comes from a normal family just like me and you, only she is so talented that she was discovered and now if you are as talented as Lorde too, you will get discovered and become rich and famous like Lorde and Miley.
Miley is bad and an attention-whore and outrageous and sexy, and Lorde is good and innocent and not an attention-whore and not sexy yet she is so wise and knows all about capitalism and consumerism, because talent and music.
When Lorde and Miley aren’t performing, their producers take out the big wind-up keys in their back, and put them back in the pinocchio cupboard with the other puppets, until the next time it is their turn on stage.