THE VON VONNI DRESS LOOKS STUPID

Do you remember, gentle reader, the length of thin fabric which your grandmother, or elderly aunt, or even maybe your mother- used to wrap around her body? If you are from Iran, you will. You will recall how, when washing dishes or sweeping the floor, she would tie it in a knot by her side, when conversing with namahram men, she would hold it over her head and under her chin, or even across the lower part of her face, and and when saying prayers, she would loop it in a bow securely  under her chin, or perhaps drape it over her face?

 

The Von Vonni dress is based on a similar principle, but from a different moral worldview. It is also an exorbitantly-priced length of fabric, which the manufacturer expects stupid, immobile women to buy and knot around their bodies, in different ways, to make different dresses. Thus, if the partner or object of lust of said-woman fetishizes arms and shoulders, the said-woman can knot it around her body in a way to leave her arms and shoulders bare. If she or he is turned by the sight of bare chests and cleavage, said-woman will knot it in a fashion so her chest and cleavage shows. I think there is even a way to wear it modestly, where if said-women is not sleeping or intending to sleep with anybody, she can drape it like a shawl and minimize skin exposure.

The Von Vonni dress is being heavily, heavily marketed- every day  deals and coupons and groupons and also videos explaining how to knot and wear this large piece of fabric plop in your inbox. Mr. Von Vonni, despite his opinion on the low intelligence of women, really really needs women to buy this stupid piece of crap and tie it around their bodies in forty million different ways, and pretend they have forty million dresses.

Who ties a piece of cloth around their body, and goes out? What if the knots get loose, or the fabric slips? Can you imagine, an ordinary, able-bodied, non-disabled woman going out and about wearing a piece of fabric knotted round her breast? Why not just go to Winners or Sears and buy a proper, nicely-fitted dress with proper stitching and seams, which doesn’t need an instructional video on how to wear it? These are questions which this woman wants to know, which never occurred to the devilishly crappy mind of Mr. Von Vonni.

 

 

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