THE MAJOR COOKING TIP: DON’T EVER, EVER

cook on an empty stomach. Really, this is the only real piece of advice you need in order to prepare edible dishes, and don’t  forget the salt.

Cooking whilst hungry has produced some of the most awful dishes known to man. Any decision-making activity should be shunned while hungry, and cooking is no exception.

For example, today. I arrive at home around 1:14, breakfast a distant memory. I have already described in great, vivid detail the hunger pangs which ravage my insides from 11 am onwards. I leap to the freezer to take out a frozen pizza, then pause.

I feel fat these days, Gentle Reader. Classes are over, and I am spending a great deal of time on the couch. I feel square-shaped. To quote the mags constantly screaming, I do not feel ready for bikini season.

Also, I was feeling lentil-guilt. You know the  feeling? When you have when you know you have not had enough “healthy” food, and have been eating too much “bad” food? I call it lentil-guilt. In fact, I had a bag of actual non-metaphorical lentils sitting on the counter for a few days, waiting to be cooked and to alleviate the guilt.

Two flows of guilt, an empty stomach… No good can come of that. I chopped up onion, added a bag of frozen veggies and began to fry in olive oil. Ib my haste however, i did not wait for the onions to fry properly, and tipped in the lentils and water in the pan. In a few minutes, the rank smell of boiling onions and boiling random unfreezing vegs and lentils rose to high heavens.

At this point, I kicked into salvage mode. I decided to blend the entire melee, and added, randomly, a boatload of coriander seeds to the blender, just because. Then I added cheese… more salt, more pepper…

I will spare you, gentle reader, the details of the horrors that followed.  Suffice it to say, there is a pan of cold brown mush sitting on my stove-top, still smelling of boiled onions and coriander, waiting to help me get it shape for bikini season…

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