I NEVER

Translated from farsi from the persian blog http://laahaaff.blogspot.com/. I didn’t ask permission of the author because he’s my youngest brother.

I was exhausted- I had been swimming like an animal. My mobile rang. Hi Behy how are you? Can I come get the tv set from you? My brother wants it… poor chap has left his tv at my dog kennel so we can hit the xbox when he arrived I knew he wouldn’t leave me so easily- whenver we looked at each other’s face, we could see the spark of alcohol. I said such a pity I don’t have anything to drink and its too late to get anything. He said if you want my brother has Blue Smirnoff. I said super. Blue Smirnoff is a drink made for two groups in this world: first  animals and then Iranians. Because its fifty percent and thats ten percent more than other stuff. But the price is the same. But the taste is worst, the hangover is awful and it brings a bad headache. Yet it the best vodka that I love. And those two groups I mentioned, I belong to both. I remember the last time I had drunk vodka with this same buddy was summer last year. Red Smirnoff. In those days, I didn’t have my own dog kennel yet. The family had all gone to the coast, and the house had become The Place*. Those days, having The Place was something valuable. I didn’t like to drink solitary, so I called this same buddy to come over with his doll, and I was with my doll. The four of us played a game called “I Never”- (the title of this blog). I can’t be bothered with the details, the general idea is that there has to be alcohol, and people must tell some story about themself that they have never told anybody before. First you say to yourself that you won’t reveal your life, then you realise it’s not so simple. The worst thing I ever heard that night was the story of my buddy’s doll: she peeped through the keyhole of her parents’ room, watched them having seks and mashturbated. My own doll told a pretty dreadful one too- she mashturbated with one of the kids at her bodybuilding club who was bisexual.  The worst story I ever heard was the guy who mashturbasted using his grandmother’s panties. I should advise you to never play this game with your relatives or formal acquaintances.

Anyway, moving on…

That night we drank and my mother was arriving from Mecca 8 am. I came home 4 am, turned on the a/c as high as I could and crawled under the blanket.  As I hugged the pillow I thought how beautiful life is with vodka and cigarettes. We’re used to smoking after after each dram we drink, and naturally after an hour or so our mouths reek like ashtrays. I woke up 1 pm and leapt to the bathroom to wash out my mouth, but my mother was quicker and leapt in front of me and kissed me. Poor woman she must have felt like puking but she didn’t say anything to me.

The Place- literal translation of the farsi word- refers to a house where the are no authority figures and people can indulge in private pleasures.

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