Neutrogena (Triple X Moisturize). L’Oreal. Garnier Fructis. John Frieda and Frizz-Ease. Yves Rocher (Phytum and Botanical Beauty). Dove. Pantene Pro-V. Tresemme. Herbal Essences- “None of your frizziness!” with pearl extract. (pearl extract? Pearl? in a $2.99 drugstore shampoo? PEARLS?)
You have all sold you soul to the devil, you lying, cheating, money-sucking hoarsons. How many promises have you made? Good thing lies aren’t vomit, else you would have choked to death by now. Use this shampoo to seal in the moisture… for silky satin-smooth hair… no more frizz…just lovely touchable curls…bouncing in the sunlight…in your dreams, of course.
I have the typical hair of the average Iranian woman: a tangle of black which magically turns into a crop of beautiful curls on two days out of 365, and for the rest of the 363, remains a frizzy thicket. Unless you blowdry and set it, and indeed I know girls who religiously straighten and blow-dry their every single morning. Us lesser mortals rely on a variety of hair clips, hair bands, gold earrings and lots of eyeliner and mascara to keep the focus away from our hair and on our strong points. Like our noses. Or possibly cleavages. Whatever.
Back to the shampoos and hair. ”Just don’t shampoo your hair” Fred told me. (If you don’t know who Fred is, then you haven’t been listening carefully). ”Use conditioner, and rinse your hair. Your type of hair dries out with shampoo”.
Well, thanks for nothing. I’ve read the same maxim on a variety of other sites, but really- no shampooing? Maybe if you stay indoors all day, it could be done, but in real life, where you sweat, empty the vacuum cleaner and pouuf! dust goes everywhere, where you swim, in lakes and in swimming pools, where your scalp gets itchy and you feel stinky, no-poo cannot be done.
So you hit the drugstores and beauty sites, reading the advertising copy on shampoos like a sweet drug. Aloe vera! Wheat germ! Citrus! Speshul speshul proteins, made speshully just for you! Oh God, I must have rubbed the entire botany and chemistry in my hair, and my frizz is as frizzy as ever.
So, it made me feel rather good to read, some time ago, when Christiane Amanpour was considered to be appointed a very important person on a very important TV network, one of the main criticisms against her was… her hair. Too frizzy, too Persian. How she can appear in such an important position on such an important network, beamed into American homes across the U.S. of A. with that hair? Let her continue reporting on funny fuzzy faraway places, her hair suits that.
Well, if it’s good enough for Amanpour, then it’s good enough for me. Frizz it is.
But as for you, you horrible shampoo-advertising scum, may you all burn in hell.