I HATE SHAMPOOS

Neutrogena (Triple X Moisturize). L’Oreal. Garnier Fructis. John Frieda and Frizz-Ease. Yves Rocher  (Phytum and Botanical Beauty). Dove. Pantene Pro-V. Tresemme. Herbal Essences- “None of your frizziness!” with pearl extract. (pearl extract? Pearl? in a $2.99 drugstore shampoo? PEARLS?)

You have all sold you soul to the devil, you lying, cheating, money-sucking hoarsons. How many promises have you made? Good thing lies aren’t vomit, else you would have choked to death by now. Use this shampoo to seal in the moisture… for silky satin-smooth hair… no more frizz…just lovely touchable curls…bouncing in the sunlight…in your dreams, of course.

I have the typical hair of the average Iranian woman: a tangle of black which magically turns into a crop of beautiful curls on two days out of 365, and for the rest of the 363, remains a frizzy thicket. Unless you blowdry and set it, and indeed I know girls who religiously straighten and blow-dry their every single morning.  Us lesser mortals rely on a variety of hair clips, hair bands, gold earrings and lots of eyeliner and mascara to keep the focus away from our hair and on our  strong points. Like our noses. Or possibly cleavages. Whatever.

Back to the shampoos and hair. ”Just don’t shampoo your hair” Fred told me. (If you don’t know who Fred is, then you haven’t been listening carefully). ”Use conditioner, and rinse your hair. Your type of hair dries out with shampoo”.

Well, thanks for nothing. I’ve read the same maxim on a variety of other sites, but really- no shampooing? Maybe if you stay indoors all day, it could be done, but in real life, where you sweat, empty the vacuum cleaner and pouuf! dust goes everywhere, where you swim, in lakes and in swimming pools, where your scalp gets itchy and you feel stinky, no-poo cannot be done.  

So you hit the drugstores and beauty sites, reading the advertising copy on shampoos like a sweet drug. Aloe vera! Wheat germ! Citrus! Speshul speshul proteins, made speshully just for you! Oh God, I must have rubbed the entire botany and chemistry in my hair, and my frizz is as frizzy as ever.

So, it made me feel rather good to read, some time ago, when Christiane Amanpour was considered to be appointed a very important person on a very important TV network, one of the main criticisms against her was… her hair. Too frizzy, too Persian. How she can appear in such an important position on such an important network, beamed into American homes across the U.S. of A. with that hair?  Let her continue reporting on funny fuzzy faraway places, her hair suits that.

Well, if it’s good enough for Amanpour, then it’s good enough for me. Frizz it is.

But as for you, you horrible shampoo-advertising scum, may you all burn in hell.

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7 comments

  1. Hi,
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, not leaving any comments yet, sorry 🙂

    I loved this post, although I’m not in the exact same boat, but in a different one, in the same direction. My hair is very fine and soft, not the classis persian hair. Almost all these shampoos are supposed to give people “silky hair”! I don’t need silky hair! My hair is silky, fine, soft and oily by itself. Conditioner is a no-no for me, and evrything else makes my hair like a flat bunch of feathers on a baby chicken!! I have spent a lot of money until recently I somehow settled with “Phyto” brand. Not all types, but “phytodensium” and “phytocyane”.
    Sometimes I think we were better off in the old days with “olive oil” soap (the green ones) and the “egg-shaped shampoo bottles” from Darougar!

  2. thenewcomer

    Oh memories… the egg-shaped darougar… and later, when we were more civilized.. “henna sedr-e sehat”… it made my hair like horse-hair.

  3. I heard sth once. a friend of mine said head like other parts of the body has skin and skin is primarily for protecting body against environment and prevent external substances enter the body . so even if your shampoo is the essence of all good materials in the world it is not supposed to enter the body and you can not expect to benefit from the essence.
    I am not a doctor and i dont know wether its true or not but it sounds reasonable to me somehow.

  4. Oh, yes, I have the same problem, have not found the right shampoo yet!

    By the way… please do not get mad at me…I am a loyal old reader… but… who is Fred?… maybe he can advise people like me at this side of the world too…

  5. thenewcomer

    You too, princess? 😦

    Fred is a top-shot hair stylist in halifax, who does national shows and things on TV. If you google fred salon halifax you’ll see. A few months back I won a competition to get a free makeover at his salon. Fun times.

  6. I have Celtic hair, which is also very frizzy most of the time. I finally found a l’Oreal shampoo called Everpure. It has no sulphates in it. It works, but it takes about a month of using it for it to kick in.

    • thenewcomer

      Hey- long time no see! I stopped by to drop a comment at your new blog site (love the ocean in the background) but was defeated by blogger. Will def try the L’Oreal stuff.

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