UNPLANNED, NOT UNWANTED

In 2005, I became pregnant without planning for it, and I am still paying the price.

My apologies to those of my readers who have had to hear me wallowing in self-pity since 2005 for my unplanned pregnancy, but today, as I pushed the golden boy’s very heavy pushchair up to the post office in Spring Garden Avenue to send another letter to the CRA explaining about his birth which took place in Iran, I couldn’t help thinking that since his conception, the golden boy has caused me nothing but mental turmoil, trouble, stress, hassle with Canadian officers, set back of university plans, heart ache, anguish… And he is not even three yet. Watching his smooth crop of thick golden brown hair through a little window in his pram hood, and feeling my heart contract with love for my funny face baby, I realized that it’s going to be the same until he’s thirty-three, no, sixty-three. Until the minute I die, I am going to be in pain for the golden boy. One way or another.

The princess, on the other hand, gives me minimal trouble. She is pretty, bratty, lovely, and typical, typical girl. It is clear that she will be one of those model students who cry if their margins are not straight, and she takes life and school and love and herself ultra-seriously.

I will fast forward about how pregnancy prevented me from completing various work-related courses and workshops, how having a small child prevented me from taking up university at the time I had initially planned, how desperate we were for his visa and all that jazz. That is history now.

But it continues. Everything to do with the golden boy is complicated and drama. Himself smiling and funny, content to suck his bottle and watch thousands of Pink Panther reruns, he creates more and more chaos in my life as he grows older, chaos which seems to extend in various dimensions and affect my life in ways I had never dreamed of.

Just recently, I realised that since I gave birth to the golden boy in Iran, I will not fulfill the `physical presence` requirement of Canadian citizenship application until 2010 (read it up on the CIC website if you`re interested.) So although the golden boy himself qualifies for citizenship on the grounds that his father is a citizen, I do not.

Because the golden boy refused to go to daycare in June, we lost his place in the local daycare, and now, if his father decides to go to Iran, he will have to take the golden boy with him, since I cannot take care of him here by myself, and study full-time. The idea of saying goodbye to the golden boy tears me apart, and I do not think I can stay sane if I part from him. And neither can his father.

And it goes on.

How can we call a boy so much loved “unwanted”? Obviously he is loved, with every nerve in our body. But why does he make life so difficult?

Girls, take note. One unplanned slip, and your lives will swerve and skew for years to come.

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11 comments

  1. AdamAvazi669

    Don’t worry honey, go to do shopping in the mall and you’ll soon forget about him. As you say yourself. Don’t worry about the poor child without his mother. Buy yourself some earrings.

  2. You should be thankful that you were even able to have a baby. To complain for three years about an unplanned pregnancy is just wrong. No one made you have this baby, you could have given him up for adoption and someone who deserved him would have had him. Instead, he is stuck with a mother who is selfish and cold.
    You do not deserve him.

    • Anon

      This is an old, old, old comment but I agreed so much I had to respond! There is no excuse these days to raise a child you technically do not want (love them or not, some women resent their kids due to them being unplanned). If you really wanted him, you wouldn’t complain like he’s some burden on your life. I hope he never has to read your blog and find out how miserable he makes you.

  3. teng

    I was thinking
    when he’s 25
    He’ll be reading this post
    its kinda wierd

    and maybe he’ll come running to “the wise cool uncle”
    to get some more info
    and i’ll tell him about that night when he thought i have a spider in my pocket

  4. ZT

    To cuddlynn:

    It is not called selfishness!!!!!!!!

    It is just stupid attitude of Iranian mothers to sacrifice everything for their beloved CHILD. So old and stupid…

  5. thenewcomer

    Well, the fact is that becoming a mother does not automatically mean you become a moral pure selfless person, with no personal ambitions and plans of your own. At least, it is not like that for me, not like that for my mom, my colleagues, and for Sarah Palin. I know many people think that, but it simply does not work that way. And the woman I know who have given up everything for their children, their jobs, their education, their personality, for the sake of cooking and cleaning baby poo, have become frustrated bitter beings who think they could have won a Nobel prize if it hadnèt been for becoming a mother.
    As for childnessness, well that is another topic altogther. Of course there are many couples who want to have babies, and they canèt, and it is very sad, I know. But that does not determine how we mothers should feel, or do feel, with regard to our own children.

  6. thenewcomer

    And anyway, he is not stuck with me. He is leaving. (sob sob sob)

  7. karendotcom

    Because the golden boy refused to go to daycare in June

    I like your writing style, and your story, but if you are seriously saying that you had to change your adult plans because a 3 year old “refused” to go to daycare, that is just way off.

    3 year olds don’t get to make adult decisions. Largely because they are, as a class, unable to hold a steady job, pay the mortgage and specificly because THEY ARE 3 YEARS OLD.

    You are the parent, send him to daycare if you have to.

    I taught daycare for years, some of the kids cry and make a fuss when they are first left, they all get over it in a few days. Then they make freinds with all the other little kids, and they begin to enjoy it.

    Are you seriously letting the 3 year old call the shots in your family decisions?

  8. thenewcomer

    The point is not that the kids call the shots directly- the point is that their presence in the family has unforeseen consequences and repercussions, which more or less puts all your ‘own” plans on hold.

    Regarding that specific moment in time last June- it wasn’t that he just cried at the moment of leaving him in daycare. He was actively miserable the rest of the day at home too- he would just lie in his bed, stare at the walls, and occasionally ask us if he had to go to daycare at night. As he is usually a happy content child, it was very difficult to cope with. There were wheels within wheels- his father said he would take care of him etc etc etc

    Anyway, now he is happy again. he started going back to (a different)daycare a few month later, and this time, he fitted like a cinch. these days, he is frustrated when the weekend comes and daycare is closed.

  9. Pingback: THE INVADING ARMY « Thenewcomer's Weblog

  10. lilly

    There are so many things wrong with this blog i do not know where to start. Your behaviour borders on mental abuse with your child if even a tiny bit of the way you act in this blog translates into real life for your child. I mean, just calling him “the Golden boy” has such negative conotations when sided with the rest of the horrible remarks you make. He is a child. You are 100% at fault, not him.

    “as I pushed the golden boy’s very heavy pushchair up to the post office in Spring Garden Avenue to send another letter to the CRA explaining about his birth which took place in Iran, I couldn’t help thinking that since his conception, the golden boy has caused me nothing but mental turmoil, trouble, stress, hassle with Canadian officers, set back of university plans, heart ache, anguish… And he is not even three yet.”

    The way you write, even the push chair is at fault. You have serious victim mentality problems.

    “Until the minute I die i will be in pain for the golden boy”

    Who in their right mind would say this about their child. Who would be so dismissive of anothers life, particularly someone biological. Why would someone be so dismissive of their child. This is such a disgusting statement. I think you need to find a good counselor because you have deep rooted psychological problems.

    “But why does he make life so difficult?”

    Everytime you make these statements i have to wonder if you actually think this is a comedy blog. Have i missed something? I need to pinch myself. Again, i seriously think you need to enter counselling to figure out why you think you are such a victim and why you need to project your problems onto a child. The counselling will help to ensure that you no longer project your problems onto your child creating a young man with serious psychological problems.

    How can a 3 year old be responsible for you not sending him to daycare? If he was actively miserable at night, maybe it was because he was back in your arms and not in daycare. I can only imagine how miserable it must be to have you as a mother.

    I truly hope that your son is taken off you and placed into the home of a caring loving family who nurture him and love him. He didn’t choose to come into this world. You chose to have him and it seems the longer he stays with you, the longer his prison sentence will continue…

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